November 20, 2009


Journal writing is a voyage into the interior. - Christina Baldwin

When my journal appears, many statues must come down. - Arthur Wellesley

Blogging is hard, I've realized. It's never quite just a journal considering the public nature of these things (and if it is, well, be warned that nothing is ever gone from the internet) which makes it somewhat difficult to write with the ease and fluidity that some need. Some that have so much to say and are so very much inhibited by their laziness a good portion of the day. And yet so many people have blogs. How do they do it? Do they have excessive amounts of free time? Probably not because when I do, I spend it excessively staring off into blank spaces as I've already correlated productivity to paycheck. Do they outsource it? I suppose if I had kids, it would be free labor?

I suppose it's talent, and commitment to that talent-- and dammit it all if I can't have that talent, too!

In truth, I probably don't. A blog is a dance between the blogger and the readers, fueling entires for the reader to enjoy. That's true in all forms of writing, and I won't lie in saying I don't want to have a part of that myself. But at the same time, I'm choosing to blog with a certain amount of anonymity. Balancing personalization and anonymity is also difficult, but like I said before, the public nature of these things just doesn't lend well to what I want to write about, and I only care to write about what I care to write about.

Which is me and my life. The past, present, my future if I can develop my inner eye, and everyone and everything that comes with it. You can see why being entirely forthcoming would be, at least, entirely detrimental.

And this isn't like my other blog that covers my personal thoughts and expeditions in Seattle, though I'm sure there will be some cross over in the sense that being a nerd is very much a part of me, but this blog is really an outlet for my thoughts, thoughts that I've kept pent up inside for so long because I never knew how to express them before. The kind that need to be said, in any way, in order to alleviate the stress of not saying them at all. It's like keeping a secret. You need so badly to let it out, just once, because it's eating you up inside, and once you do find that other unfortunate person (or people, for some of you) to share, you feel relieved.

Of course, the downside to secrets is now that person(s) you told? Well, they need to go tell someone else, too. And if they're anything like you, it's probably multiple someones.

I think that's why so many of us have blogs, we're addicted to sharing. I feel that there's a certain amount of self righteousness when it comes to blogging, as in, somehow I've found myself important enough to scribe all about it online regardless of whether or not I'm really worthy of such presentation. But I think the truth is that we just want to tell someone in order to alleviate being stifled, for whatever reason. Be it our employer, our significant other, children, friends, parents, that stupid college student pedestrian that doesn't look when they cross, and so forth.

And when I say this blog is rather personal, it is. All of us go through many experiences in life that changes us, and unfortunately those experiences are usually bad. I still have some difficulties dealing with mine, trying to sort out what happened, how it happened, how I let it continue, and how that affects my identity today and in the future. Perhaps it's a bit self defeating to remain as anonymous as possible when getting these experiences out and the thoughts that go with them because they really are eating me up inside. But my way of coping is to write, to express, and to share, and my greatest hope, if anyone were ever to read any of this, is that someone can take anything from my blog, even just a glimmer of a fraction, and realize that they're not alone.

So, to the person who took a glimmer of a fraction from my blog, you are not alone.


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